Journal Entry no.2: "Remember"

So its 1:21 am and I'm watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I feel a lot like the main character 'Peter' in this movie. If you've never seen the movie, the plot is about a guy who's trying his hardest to forget about his ex, but it seems like everywhere he turns something reminds him of her or she pops up somewhere so its becoming really difficult for him to "forget" her. It truly seems like I'm going through the same thing. Although, I've come to the conclusion that I can't, won't, and am choosing not to forget my ex. I mean, we went through some HORRIBLE experiences, but I was looking at a bunch of old pictures of us and it made me remember all the good times we shared with one another. That's what this journal entry is actually about, "remembering the good times." In a relationship, you can't always dwell on the negative because, when you do, it leaves no room for the positive to shine through and that, in turn, holds the relationship back from progression and being able to flourish. I can say now that that was one of the biggest mistakes I made during my engagement. I didn't know how to just try to push forward without basing every decision off of the past events that took place in the relationship. In relationships, both parties are so prone to talking about the problem and yelling and arguing about it, that they don't realize that its hurting the relationship more so than the problem actually did. People..PLEASE!..you have to learn how to forgive, never forget, but know how to let go. I learned that you can't hang the bad times over your relationship like constant mistletoe and that you have to be willing to except your partner for everything their worth, plus you can't try to change them into anyone their not because when you really love someone their flaws don't matter. There are a few excercises that both parties of the relationship can do to try to maintain tranquility and purity in the relationship:

[1.] Sit down face to face with your spouse, take 30 minutes each, and just tell them all the reasons you fell in love with them. Trust me, it sounds cheesy but me and my ex did it once and were both in tears afterwards. It might not seem like it will effect anything but it really works wonders.

[2.] I'm sure you've heard this one before but so what. Take a peice of paper, fold it into halves, and make a "pros and cons" list about your spouse. Make sure everything you write in both columns are legitimate reasons for both, like don't put "she doesn't squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube" or "he doesn't put the toilet seat back down when he's done in the bathroom." Once you've done that, see which column outweighs which and if in the end the pros outweigh the cons or vice versa, you'll know what type of decision to make for self and relationship.

So in my last writings for this entry, all I'm going to say is remember why your with the person who your with. Remember to know when to pull the punches during fights. Remember that what your fighting about might not be that big of a deal to begin with and you might be blowing it out of the water. And please remember to continuously love each other unconditionally no matter what, some would rather have a no-holds-bar during fights but instead of that, try having a no-holds-bar through daily life and just love that person with your all. Give willingly, Love whole-heartedly, Know its ok to wear your heart on your sleeve, and Remember why your in Love. Peace and Much Love.

"..niggas say bitches is trife, bitches say niggas is...we just don't understand our fundemental differences.."

-Ross Lake Loves You

Journal Entry no.1: "Starting a New"

I'm no sure how to start this off so I'll just get right into it. As of recent I have come face to face with some major setbacks in my life. Somethings I saw coming and some were simply uncontrolable. I have honestly and undoubtedly become a different person since these events took place. I've had a few friends here and there who have been trying to cheer me up as much as they can but somehow it seems like I can't shake this funk. I told my mom the other day that I don't know how she made it to 51 having to deal with the bullshit of the world, she told me if she had to go through the stuff I'm going through right now that she probably wouldn't have. Which make me sort of think that I've been living beyond my years, my tolerance levels, or my capacity for bullshit. I also started thinking that maybe God is sending me through all this stuff because he has some devine plan for me, seeing as how I might have made a giant mistake that wasn't apart of God's plan.

Through the past year I've learned a lot about people and relationships. Some might not know, but I was previously engaged for the last year. Most would say that I was crazy or stupid for being engaged at "only "20 years old, but I have figured out that the love you have for someone can't be measured by the knowledge of your years, personal life experience, or others definition of maturity, it is measured by the amount of sacrifice you're willing to make for that other person as well has how you show that person day in and day out that you truly and utterly love them unconditionally no matter what. As well as that, I have learned that every relationship is built of three things: Trust, Honest, and Communication. All three of those things all have to coexist togethor because they all play off of each other and I'll tell you why. For starters, Trust can only be gained in your relationship (whether spouse or friend) if both parties in the relationship are 100% Honest at all times no matter how the truth might hurt the other person. Second, to be 100% Honest at all times means you have to know how to Communicate with the other person in the relationship, in so far as knowing that the other person might not want to hear was is going to be said but still Communicate in all honesty at every given moment so that the Trust isn't lost in the relationship. And seeing as how Trust is the foundation of every relationship, once that's gone you really have nothing.

In addition to losing my fiance as well as general contact with her, I lost my bestfriend/brother as well. No, he's not dead. I "lost" the sense of me and him no longer have any good blood between us nor any general contact either. I will truly miss both of them being in my life but I just see it as a learning experience and a growing oppurtunity to try to stand on my own two feet again. I feel a few emotions that I won't mention in so far as how my relationships ended with both people. Like I said, somethings were completely and utterly uncontrolable like how my relationships ended. I've learned that no matter how hard you try, you will never had 100% complete control of the outcome of relationships situations that occur in your life.

Lastly, on top of everything that I've already mentioned, I lost my apartment and my job around the same time. It really feels like everything good in my life came tubbling down in the timespan of a month. I've really been feeling lonely, alone, hurt, and any other depressing feelings that you could think of which in turn have been keeping me in this stooper. I have had a few friends that have tried to keep me in good spirits through all of then nonsense and truly appreciate it with the core of my being. It still seems like all I can do is sit here and listen to this emo ass music and write music that is only triggered by my emotional state. Someone once told me that beautiful music was drawn from horrible situations, I now know exactly what that means which now makes me ask the question.."at what cost is beautiful music if you have to go through this type of stuff to make it?" In turn, I've grown a lot in the last year and I feel like I was pushed to the limits of my maturity. I'm finally man enough to be honest and say that I've still been crying about the circumstances at hand but these are the things, that I feel, God is putting me through to make me a stronger person in the long run. I would say that its about time to start the healing phase, come to terms with the mistakes I've made, grow and mature from them, and start a new.

"..thank you and your welcome for all the struggles that life is putting me through right now. I wouldn't change any of it for the world, other than HOW I would LOVE you. I Love You.."

-Ross Lake Loves You