Journal Entry no.1: "Starting a New"

I'm no sure how to start this off so I'll just get right into it. As of recent I have come face to face with some major setbacks in my life. Somethings I saw coming and some were simply uncontrolable. I have honestly and undoubtedly become a different person since these events took place. I've had a few friends here and there who have been trying to cheer me up as much as they can but somehow it seems like I can't shake this funk. I told my mom the other day that I don't know how she made it to 51 having to deal with the bullshit of the world, she told me if she had to go through the stuff I'm going through right now that she probably wouldn't have. Which make me sort of think that I've been living beyond my years, my tolerance levels, or my capacity for bullshit. I also started thinking that maybe God is sending me through all this stuff because he has some devine plan for me, seeing as how I might have made a giant mistake that wasn't apart of God's plan.

Through the past year I've learned a lot about people and relationships. Some might not know, but I was previously engaged for the last year. Most would say that I was crazy or stupid for being engaged at "only "20 years old, but I have figured out that the love you have for someone can't be measured by the knowledge of your years, personal life experience, or others definition of maturity, it is measured by the amount of sacrifice you're willing to make for that other person as well has how you show that person day in and day out that you truly and utterly love them unconditionally no matter what. As well as that, I have learned that every relationship is built of three things: Trust, Honest, and Communication. All three of those things all have to coexist togethor because they all play off of each other and I'll tell you why. For starters, Trust can only be gained in your relationship (whether spouse or friend) if both parties in the relationship are 100% Honest at all times no matter how the truth might hurt the other person. Second, to be 100% Honest at all times means you have to know how to Communicate with the other person in the relationship, in so far as knowing that the other person might not want to hear was is going to be said but still Communicate in all honesty at every given moment so that the Trust isn't lost in the relationship. And seeing as how Trust is the foundation of every relationship, once that's gone you really have nothing.

In addition to losing my fiance as well as general contact with her, I lost my bestfriend/brother as well. No, he's not dead. I "lost" the sense of me and him no longer have any good blood between us nor any general contact either. I will truly miss both of them being in my life but I just see it as a learning experience and a growing oppurtunity to try to stand on my own two feet again. I feel a few emotions that I won't mention in so far as how my relationships ended with both people. Like I said, somethings were completely and utterly uncontrolable like how my relationships ended. I've learned that no matter how hard you try, you will never had 100% complete control of the outcome of relationships situations that occur in your life.

Lastly, on top of everything that I've already mentioned, I lost my apartment and my job around the same time. It really feels like everything good in my life came tubbling down in the timespan of a month. I've really been feeling lonely, alone, hurt, and any other depressing feelings that you could think of which in turn have been keeping me in this stooper. I have had a few friends that have tried to keep me in good spirits through all of then nonsense and truly appreciate it with the core of my being. It still seems like all I can do is sit here and listen to this emo ass music and write music that is only triggered by my emotional state. Someone once told me that beautiful music was drawn from horrible situations, I now know exactly what that means which now makes me ask the question.."at what cost is beautiful music if you have to go through this type of stuff to make it?" In turn, I've grown a lot in the last year and I feel like I was pushed to the limits of my maturity. I'm finally man enough to be honest and say that I've still been crying about the circumstances at hand but these are the things, that I feel, God is putting me through to make me a stronger person in the long run. I would say that its about time to start the healing phase, come to terms with the mistakes I've made, grow and mature from them, and start a new.

"..thank you and your welcome for all the struggles that life is putting me through right now. I wouldn't change any of it for the world, other than HOW I would LOVE you. I Love You.."

-Ross Lake Loves You